Being there, the sand was crumbling under my toes, the wind was entangling my hair even more, the sky was covered with grey. Everything looked as I remembered, the beach with its isolated lighthouse, the remotely destitute house on the hill, as if every speck of sand was on its exact place, waiting for someone to come and to bid ‘goodbye’ for one last time.
The picture might be deceiving, but the funny feeling in my stomach did never fail me to warm that something is amiss.
There was a bitter taste in my mouth, I don’t know from what exactly, the coffee or the cigarettes or my sense of guilt not leaving me alone. If I tell you which one of this, I will lie to you…
As I watched the waves crushing into the small rocks around I wanted only to breathe properly, I felt as someone was holding my throat with his bare hands trying to extricate every single breath with force. The point is that I was on the verge of giving up, of abandoning myself, relinquishing to the pressure. I was fed up that day, I remember. There was no earthly or unearthly power that could erase my memory just like that, I’m not kid anymore, I’m not so easily deceived. Aren’t you?
It’s funny actually, if you think about it. When we are kids, so many things happen around us, but somehow with our receptiveness we still could not select which moment to put into our box of remember and which we could dismiss as a trivial. As if we are presented with random choices from which we could make fun of it and put into our shelf’s mind. There are times when something unpredictable could crave for our undivided attention, like when your see your mam screaming at someone for the first time or when you being told that you’re special. There are other times when without the other people’s acknowledgment you memorize something, almost out of the thin air. Like when you see your uncle drunk or when you do innocuous mischief without first realizing that it is something like that in the first place.
When we are kids, we still have the inconspicuous superpower to see others throughout them, don’t we? Little by little, bits by bits that power wears off like your favorite toy, with which you spend countless time on the playground with it. After that you are left on your own… with a box of predilections and distant surmises about the world.
The world sometimes seems like giant monster that is trying to devour you, swallowing your slowly before crushing your skeleton between his teeth. Other times, you are confused, mesmerized and baffled by its beauty and horror. Then, you come here with sore head and bare feet to drown your demons in the sea, hoping not to see them again…